Monday, June 25, 2012
Petre's Guide to Befriending a Cat
I heard some of you are having some trouble dealing with a certain cat. It's not exactly a challenge getting your dick in him, but really molding him to your will does take a little work. Fortunately for you all, I happen to be an expert on the subject-- I've spent years with the boy, and if I haven't done it to him myself, I've seen someone else do just about anything to that cat and get away with it. So here's a little advice.
The trickiest thing about befriending a cat is that he doesn't really trust anyone that's been too rough with him in the past-- so obviously, I'm out of the running on that one. If you've got a fresh start with him, though, it's not too hard. As he is with everything else, that cat is a slut for petting. Pet him constantly. Talk to him about, you know, whatever. Make him think you care about his feelings, and what he likes, and what he's thinking. Keep at it, and he'll even tell you how he likes to be petted-- he just pours out his secrets if you can convince him to trust you. Once you start petting him the right way, he'll be putty in your hands.
If you haven't got a couch, get one. All it takes is 50, and he'll even suggest it himself if you just let him ramble on about anything for long enough. Once you've got a couch and you know how to pet him best, you're set to start squeezing secrets out of him, one stroke at a time. Keep asking him what he's thinking until he's willing to talk about his past. Now, this is the tricky part. He'll only tell you about his past once, and it'll be really depressing for everyone involved since he's led a pretty meaningless life, but just keep petting him and talking him through it. And while you're nodding and smiling and hugging when appropriate-- that's when he'll get REALLY attached to you. Think you're the nicest guy or girl around, all that. That's when you pause, and you ask him how he's feeling.
If you time it right, he'll just get all aglow and say you're the most special whatever or something like that. That's when you know you can collar him. Well, you know, give him a "gift" to symbolize your "friendship," but really, it's just another way of claiming him. And that's it, he's yours!
Oh, a couple other things, though. If you get him really happy and ask him what he likes, he'll fess up to loving snuggles. That's a good way to get intimate with him without him thinking you're a perv bent on getting inside him-- cause obviously, if you start with a snuggle, it couldn't possibly be with perverted intentions, right? And if you get him talking enough about what he's thinking, sooner or later he'll mention being plain old bored. That's a good time to give him a book-- that'll win you some points with him as a nice guy. You'll have to leave him alone for a while for him to actually get a chance to read it, though. You know, walk away for a bit, wash all the syrupy sweetness out of your mouth, maybe have a wank since you're obviously not gonna be having much fun anytime soon.
But yeah, that's just about all you need to do. Take my advice, and you'll be making him feel all special and cuddly happy in no time. Which is obviously the best time to start molesting him. But that's a story for next time.